
I thought I had fully accepted my autism, accepted it as part of myself, as my normal. But recently I have been finding it frustrating and upsetting again.
I have been getting busier over the last few months and I’m doing a lot more each day. I have two volunteer jobs, an Etsy shop, several evening activities, church, therapy, support, gym, and I am in a relationship now. I love all of these things and I think it does me good to be busy and with people. But it is hard. I get anxious thinking about how I will manage activities. I get exhausted trying to be organised and keep track of activities and plans, and sometimes forget things then feel guilty. The transitions between activities are especially taxing. I find them very stressful and tiring, and sometimes the anxiety prevents me from going.
I get very frustrated with my poor executive function and wish I could be “normal”. I feel disorientated and anxious and out of my depth a lot of the time, and I berate myself for not doing better. Sometimes I compare myself to other people who appear to be doing better. I see other autistic people being successful in work, relationships, life in general, and I wonder why I can’t do it. They have jobs and families, and I struggle to cope with volunteering. I have support from carers 3 times a week but still get overwhelmed and confused about what I’m doing and my house gets in a mess. I feel like other autistic people cope better than I do, but I probably just don’t see their struggles. Most of the time people don’t see my struggles. Anxiety, disorientation, confusion, and inadequacy are familiar feelings going back to childhood. I get frustrated with myself and I keep thinking that one day I’ll be able to do these things better. But I’m 38 now and still can’t so I need to try and accept that this is me and how my brain works.
Another reason I don’t accept myself is that I have experienced better executive function. I was on methylphenidate (Ritalin) for a couple of years. It didn’t fix my autism of course, but it helped my attention and executive function enormously. During that time I could hold information in mind, attend to people and lectures, remember things on demand, change task more easily, and even do mental arithmetic. I almost wish I hadn’t experienced that because now I know how much easier life could be if my brain worked differently. I didn’t like taking it very much because it made me feel like an imposter, changing myself to fit in better with others. I also resented how much easier other people found me when I was on it. But now that I’m struggling I have requested to go back on it, but it could be months before I can see a psychiatrist about that.
Accepting my autism is about accepting myself. I can’t accept myself without accepting my autism because it is part of me. It isn’t something I have, it’s part of who I am. For me, acceptance is an ongoing and repetitive process. It is important because God loves us and wants us to love ourselves too. We can’t accept God’s love fully without acknowledging that we, the object of that love, are good and loveable.